Foundations

There is an issue that the Lord is talking to me about that I want to mention, just in case it would be beneficial to any of you.  It has to do with foundations.  I’m not quite clear on everything yet, but the one thing I do know is that He is saying we must build our lives on a foundation, things we do in life….whether it be relationships or businesses or whatever needs to be built on a foundation.  That is why so many marriages are breaking up these days….the people don’t understand that they have to have a foundation to build the relationship on if it is going to work.  Oogly feelings don’t count, there has to be a solid base.  So I’m asking the Lord what that foundation is…..of course, as Christians we know it is the Lord…..He gave me the scripture about Jesus being the cornerstone as an example of how He built the plan of salvation.  He didn’t build His plan without a foundation and Jesus is the foundation that doesn’t fail….so without a doubt it begins with Jesus, but my question is how does it translate into the world we live in?

Faith is the substance of things HOPED for, so hope is part of the foundation……trust is an important part of the foundation…..just in observing the difference between successful people and those less successful you see a difference in belief systems….what is that difference?  There is an inner strength, that I believe starts with God but what is the rest of the equation….there is something that starts with Him, gets to us and then translates into substance….then we look at finances…..people who live on credit have no foundation for their finances.  When a person starts out, there is a financial foundation that needs to be built and from it there comes expansion.   Wealth is different than money.  God says that it is the “love of money” that is sin, so does the “love of money” manifest in the need for material items, the need to spend, to acquire etc?  Abraham had much, but he did not love the things money could buy, he loved God.  Scripture says give and it will be given unto you, pressed down shaken together and running over……however there are those who can give and give and that doesn’t happen…..what is missing in that equation?  Foundation?…….Please understand, I’m not doubting God, I believe He started all this questioning….I’m asking Him for wisdom……..

In the last several weeks, I have gotten a lot of answers that have to do with those very foundations that we start life with….how we attach and how we answer some very fundamental questions like…..Am I worthy of love, am I capable of getting the love I need and are others reliable and trustworthy to provide the love and comfort that I need?  Answering no to any of those questions lets loose a flurry of coping mechanisms that effect relationships that we have with people long into our adult lives.

For example, if I answer the question am I worthy of love with a no, what can I expect to see in my life?  Some of those things would be allowing others to treat me badly, not standing up for myself and a very low confidence level.  Perhaps it could turn into relying on what I can do for others rather than in my own intrinsic self worth.  Not being able to trust others to meet my needs could result in a decision not to trust others and only rely on myself.   These things are certainly foundational and I trust that the Lord is faithful to continue to bring wisdom and revelation as I continue to place these questions before him.

Violent Men and the Anger That Fuels Them, by Edward J. Cumella and Carolyn Newsome | posted in Anger, CCT 2006 N.1

Frank sat there, immobilized as he watched his three adult sons weeping and embracing their sister, Amy. His wife of 30 years sat next to him, crying. Frank’s questions whirled: “Do they think I’m a monster? Was my anger that bad?” Amy had severe anorexia.

The family had gathered for intensive therapy and Frank had been praying, hoping to gain understanding of his daughter. He desperately wanted to learn why his beautiful daughter was starving herself to death. The family and therapist sat in a circle.

Amy described life experiences that led to her anorexia. She spoke of peer rejection and revealed the pressure to be thin during gymnastics. She mentioned “family dynamics.” Frank was jolted. To him, they were the all-American family. His wife was a wonderful stay-at-home mom. The family attended church and enjoyed vacations together. Amy described her father’s anger. She recalled him screaming at her older brothers: “Can’t you do anything right? You’ll never amount to anything!” Sometimes he threw furniture, punched walls, and slammed doors. Once Frank pinned her brother against a wall, screaming in his face and punching the wall behind him. Amy would hide in her closet to escape her father’s tirades. Amy shared that although she enjoyed family vacations, she feared the preparation. Frank would bark out commands, threatening to leave her behind if she was not ready on time. 

It was difficult for Frank to listen. He wanted to fix it, to make Amy feel better. “Sweetheart, I never intended to scare you… you know how much daddy loves you and your brothers… Honey, you know I never laid a hand on you.” The therapist interjected: “Frank, we know you love your family. That’s not in question. Try to understand what it’s been like to live in Amy’s world.”

Amy continued, asking her father if he remembered when he broke his hand. “Yeah, I was such an idiot. I fell walking down the bleachers at your gymnastics meet, broke my wrist and was sidelined for three months.”

Amy added tearfully: “Daddy, you were so mad at me.” She recalled Frank’s rage: “If it wasn’t for that gymnastics meet, I would be at work right now!” Although Frank’s reaction came from feeling worthless when he could not work and provide for his family, Amy explained that his words made her believe the accident was her fault.

The therapist asked Amy how she felt when her father got angry. Amy hid her face and looked down. A tear escaped her eye. Finally, she whispered, “it hurt.” Her body heaved as she sobbed in pain. Her brothers rushed to hug her, crying, “I know how you feel… it hurt all of us.”

Frank’s angry words had wounded his entire family. His anger had felt like rejection to Amy, ushering in shame, ambivalence, and defenses to protect her heart. Sometime during her youth, Amy vowed to never require attention. She decided her job was to be invisible and never upset the apple cart. If she upset things, she feared her family would fall apart. So she hid her needs, feelings, and true self.

Eventually she tried to become invisible by starving herself, hiding in anorexia. Another aspect of Amy’s anorexia, perfectionism, also grew from fear of displeasing her father. As David Stoop (2004) notes: “In virtually every case… where the father was abusive, the now grown-up child remains convinced that if only he or she had been a better son or daughter, the father would not have… needed to be abusive.”

Sources of Anger and Varieties of Violence

The capacity for anger is God-given. We are told that “love is slow to anger…” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Clearly, then, even those guided by God’s Spirit of love get angry. It takes time for anger to arise, but it does. Jesus himself evidenced anger (e.g., Matthew 21:12-13, 23:13-36). When prompted by the Holy Spirit, anger is a signal worth listening to. It may be a message that we are being hurt, our rights violated, needs or wants not met, beliefs and values compromised, or something else amiss. Anger may signal that we’re giving more than we can give.

In each case, anger’s purpose is protection: thwarting harm or overcoming obstacles to meeting legitimate needs. For example, parents become legitimately angry at anything that threatens to harm or prevent the growth of their children. They become angry because they love their children. Anger, correctly experienced, flows out of love. “Love… always protects…” (1 Corinthians 13:4,7). Anger is a built-in drive, energy, and motivation to take corrective action against anything that threatens to harm people and things we love, including ourselves.

The God-given capacity for anger can become distorted by pride, unforgiveness, aggression, culture, fear, physiology, and conditioning, with each acting alone or in concert. This is when “man’s anger” enters in and corrupts, as opposed to godly anger.

 Pride.

We may react with anger when our pride, ego, image, or other worldly facades of no godly value are questioned by others. “… pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence” (Psalm 73:6). This likely happened with Frank, whose self-image as an effective father was threatened when his children didn’t behave in ways he deemed appropriate.

Similarly, men often have detailed expectations about how to fulfill the legitimate roles of provider and protector in their families. When this image is interfered with, they respond with anger and violence, attempting to reassert their treasured definition of how to fulfill these roles. They don’t recognize that there are many ways to provide for and protect a family that do not conform to the expectations absorbed from their parents and culture.

 Unforgiveness.

When we live with a continual expectation that most people are out to harm us, we are primed to become angry fast, rather than slowly and thoughtfully. This may happen because we’re holding onto past hurts. When the camel’s back is burdened with a history of unforgiveness, one more tiny wound breaks the back, triggering anger inappropriate to the wound that is actually occurring in the present.

With unforgiveness, we therefore get angry repeatedly about the same old hurts! This is a stark waste of energy, destroying relationships and our own heart.

 Aggression.

Anger may be disproportionate to the harm done. It isn’t useful, reparative, or godly to harm another person, when it is possible to achieve our goal of protection with less violence or severity. The literature on assertiveness distinguishes between assertion and aggression: assertion accomplishes our goals while respecting others; aggression disrespects and harms others and often fails to accomplish our goals. In Frank’s case, what could have been handled assertively was handled instead with aggression toward his family.

 Culture.

A primary reason for unnecessary violence is American culture. We live in a highly competitive culture that idolizes and justifies physically powerful, violent men. Movies, TV, sports, and political figures use verbal and sometimes physical violence to dominate and control others. Aggression in popular iconography has increased substantially in recent decades (Benedict, 2004; Jhally, 1999). But “… says the LORD God…‘I hate a man’s covering himself with violence’” (Malachi 2:16). Wise observers have warned about our “culture of violence” (e.g., Huckabee & Grant, 1998; Lischer, 2005).

On the flipside, images of men who are not violent may be unduly effeminate and passive to be effective role models for many men (Farrar, 2003). Due to our cultural confusion about masculinity and violence, American men often come from homes where their fathers have not known how to manage anger and power. In short, healthy male role models are lacking.

Frank was likely a victim of our culture’s paucity of Christian male role models. In this situation, many men are angry at, and devalue, themselves because of their violent reactions against the people they love, but they don’t know how to be different. They may justify their actions to avoid feeling or revealing their self-hatred. Some have become so entrenched in a self-defensive posture of justifying their anger—even using Scripture to do so—that they have paranoid, antisocial, or narcissistic personality features. Their anger has become ego-syntonic—an accepted part of their personality. But most, particularly Christian men who experience the Holy Spirit’s prompting in their consciences, are disappointed when they act in ways that are incongruent with their beliefs.

 Fear.

Ultimately, most anger is rooted in fear. We become angry to protect ourselves when we fear attack, a repeat of past wounding, loss of something valued, or inability to obtain something we believe we need or desire. Fear is a universal human emotion that many men don’t know how to handle. Men are often taught that it’s inappropriate for them to be afraid, but they aren’t given tools to transcend fear. Instead, they learn early to repress and deny their fear. The fear is there nonetheless, under the surface, continually triggering defensive anger. Fear and anger are quite similar physiologically; as such, fear can readily be experienced and expressed as anger when men incorrectly interpret fear’s physiological arousal as anger.

 Physiology.

Due to the fallen condition of humanity that began in the Garden of Eden, some men have genetic and/or biological predispositions to anger. These individuals struggle more than most with anger. Those who misuse alcohol and/or certain drugs may render themselves physiologically prone to anger and violence.

 Conditioning.

Expressing anger is reinforced through tension relief and its influence and control over others. Some men become virtually addicted to these perks. At an extreme, it becomes an evil enjoyment at controlling others and making them afraid. Inappropriate anger costs dearly. “Anger stuns. It frightens. It makes people feel bad about themselves… people gradually become inured and resistant. As soon as they see you, they put on their emotional armor in preparation for the next upset. The more anger you express, the less you are listened to, and the more cut off you may begin to feel from genuine closeness” (McKay, Rogers and McKay, 2003). Anger damages and kills relationships.

There are many ways of expressing anger inappropriately and with excessive severity, needlessly harming others:

• Physical and/or sexual violence against people
• Physical violence against animals
• Destruction of property
• Explicit threats of violence
• Implicit threats of violence— without directly threatening violence against someone, violence against animals or property or merely mentioning one’s past violent acts all imply that violence against people could occur if the individual is sufficiently provoked
• Controlling other people—what they say and do, where/when they travel, etc.
• Forced isolation from family, friends, work
• Extreme jealousy
• Mental cruelty—verbal, psychological, emotional abuseEven the purely verbal forms of violence are harmful—“reckless words pierce like a sword…” (Proverbs 12:18)—and may predispose to later physical violence.

  Interventions and Antidotes

  First, assess the man’s motivation to change his angry/violent behavior. Where a man doesn’t see the need, make careful recommendations to protect his family. In certain cases, report child abuse to state agencies and/or suggest marital separation. But for men who want to manage anger differently, the following may help.

  Second, if there is family history of aggression and anger, or the individual appears “wound up,” the cards may be stacked against him through a biological tendency toward aggression. Evaluation by a psychiatrist is warranted for psychotropic medication. Certain Prozac- like medications and other psychotropics are effective in assisting some men to gain control of their anger.

  Third, perform a cognitive-behavioral assessment to determine which erroneous beliefs, expectations, and justifications are triggering anger, and what is reinforcing violent behavior. Ask what skills the man lacks for managing anger effectively to achieve rightful goals. Often, anger management and/or assertion training will be useful.

  Assertion training may be enhanced when conducted with a married couple together, joined with communication skills training. Once violent behavior lessens, it may be necessary to assist the man in uncovering wounds, trauma, and other intrapsychic issues disrupting his ability to regulate emotions. Most men will need education about the advantages of identifying, feeling, and expressing their God-given softer emotions and how suppressing these emotions leads them to hurt their loved ones. 

  Fourth, because exposure to violent media increases violent behavior, Christian men must exercise prudence regarding what entertainment and news they select. We are influenced by those with whom we associate. “A violent man entices his neighbor and leads him down a path that is not good” (Proverbs 16:29). Men must examine their friends and family members, placing appropriate boundaries on what behavior they will tolerate and/or restrictions on relationships that influence them toward aggression.

  Finally, we can point the way for men to address anger’s spiritual dimension, including false pride, unforgiveness, and fear. Following Christ by practicing humility and cultivating a servant’s identity are antidotes to false pride. It is Christian, authentic, and humble to recognize that we need others; it is manly to cry, feel hurt, and express need for comfort and help. Christ did these things.

  Simply put, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). God specifically created women to be men’s helpers, endowed with sophisticated emotional knowledge and a capacity for soothing and nurturing. We must accept that married men cannot function effectively in God’s design for their lives without leaning on their wives for support and nurture. Men need to be emotionally vulnerable with their wives for this to occur. We also need other people—extended family and friends: “Carry each other’s burdens…” (Galatians 6:2). It is false pride to think we can go it alone.

  Good resources exist to help men learn the freeing power of forgiveness (e.g., Ensor, 1997; MacArthur, 1998). By forgiving liberally and frequently—not just from the head or in words, but allowing God to change our hearts so that we have emotionally released hurts and restored relationships—we become slower to anger and less violent.

  We cannot manage fear and its consequences by pretending we are not afraid. “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts” (Psalm 51:6). We must instead recognize that we have fear, and what we are afraid of. Then, through prayer and the spiritual disciplines, we can slowly learn to fear God alone. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10), because it leads us to honor and value God above everything.

  We may enjoy the world’s offerings, but learn not to attach too deeply to—and thus fear the loss of—what is inherently transient: possessions, roles, status, even our children. We can slowly grow to understand God’s love for us so deeply that we are fully attached to him—valuing him above all else; and, to so trust God and his plans for our lives that our fear has been replaced with peace and acceptance. “Such perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18).

  Take on the nature of Christ. Cultivating deep humility, free-flowing forgiveness, and trusting dependence on God isn’t easy. These characteristics come from knowing Christ personally, not just knowing theology or facts about Christ or professing to believe in him. They come from praying and communicating with God, meditating on his words, practicing his presence, and allowing God through these experiences to fill our souls so that we become living examples of the Spirit’s fruit: “… the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).

  What do any of these have to do with anger and violence? Nothing. The spirit- filled life, lived in active relationship with Jesus Christ, drives out anger and violence and replaces these with Christ’s nature. Achieving this is, admittedly, a lifelong pursuit. For men, books like Tender Warrior (Weber, 1993), Wild at Heart (Eldredge, 2001), You Have What It Takes (Eldredge, 2004) and Point Man (Farrar, 2003), may assist in renewing our minds to understand godly manhood, so that we grow faster into this destiny that God has planned for us. In this way, we become better leaders in our families, churches, and communities; husbands whom our wives respect and admire; and fathers who guide their children to become men and women of dignity, integrity, and purpose in God’s kingdom.

  Wives may also help their husbands by engaging in family or couples therapy, educating themselves about anger, and learning how they may inadvertently contribute to their husband’s anger. An excellent book for wives is the acclaimed Dance of Anger (1997).

  In this way, we become better leaders in our families, churches, and communities; husbands whom our wives respect and admire; and fathers who guide their children to become men and women of dignity, integrity, and purpose in God’s kingdom.

  Edward J. Cumella, Ph.D., a Licensed Psychologist, is Executive Director of Research and Education, and Carolyn Newsome, M.A., LPC, is a Primary Therapist at Remuda Ranch Programs for Eating Disorders, the nation’s largest eating disorder treatment facility. Together they have worked with thousands of families, dealing with issues of men’s anger and violence. Both authors present frequently at national and international conferences and have published papers on a range of mental health topics.

   References

  Benedict, J. (2004). Out of bounds: Inside the NBA’s culture of rape, violence, and crime. New York: Reed Elsevier Inc.

  Eldredge, J. (2001). Wild at Heart: Discovering the secret of a man’s soul. Nashville: Nelson Books.

  Eldredge, J. (2004). You have what it takes: What every father needs to hear. Nashville: Nelson Books.

  Ensor, J.M. (1997). Experiencing God’s forgiveness: The journey from guilt to gladness. Colorado Springs: Navpress Publishing Group.

  Farrar, S. (2003). Point man: How a man can lead his family. Sisters, OR: Multnomah.

  Huckabee, M. & Grant, G. (1998). Kids who kill: Confronting our culture of violence. Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.

  Jhally, S. (Director). (1999). Tough guise: Violence, media, and the crisis in masculinity. [Motion picture]. United States: Media Education Foundation.

  Lerner, H. (1997). Dance of anger: A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York: Harper Paperbacks.

  Lischer, R. (2005). The end of words: The language of reconciliation in a culture of violence. Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.

  MacArthur, J. (1998). The freedom and power of forgiveness. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books.

  McKay, M., Rogers, P.D., & McKay, J. (2003). When anger hurts (2nd Ed). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

• Stoop, D. (2004). Making peace with your father. Ventura, CA: Regal Books.Weber, S. (1993). Tender warrior. Sisters, OR: Multnomah Books

 

Relationship Choice

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Abiding

by Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP

www.livingwellcc.com

 

 

            Often, I hear people tell me that they don’t want to make a move without hearing God first; they can’t make a decision without getting direction from the Lord.  Although I have heard this taught on many occasions and even practiced it in my own life, I tend to question whether it is a wise course of action as we mature as Christians.  As I have thought about the illustration of the vine and the branches, I considered that the branch grows from the vine and is connected to it.  The life that flows from the vine, flows unrestricted to the branch and it is because of this life flow that the branch gets longer, it grows leaves, and depending on what kind of a vine it is, it flowers or it produces fruit.  Does the branch have to check with the vine in order to decide whether it is going to grow?  Does it need the vine to make a decision for it as to how much fruit it is going to produce?  No, the life flow from the vine, through the branch determines its course.  Life from the vine, if allowed to flow unrestricted will produce a strong branch, healthy leaves and good fruit.  However, if that life flow is restricted in some way, say through injury or a blockage of some kind, what is produced through the branch can be less than fruitful.  Sections of the branch may even die. 

 

In John 3:16 it says that through Jesus Christ, we have received eternal life.  That word in the Greek  is “Zoe” and it talks about fullness, vitality and animation; a never ending source of life that springs from God Himself.  If we have accepted Jesus as our Savior, that life source is within us.  We have become a branch, growing from the vine and we produce good fruit.  Taking that verse in context we find that in the previous scriptures, Jesus has been talking to the disciples about the end of His life.  He is telling them that He will not be with them for much longer.  In John 14:12 He tells them that any one who believes in Him will do what He has done and much more….He is describing the relationship between Himself, the Father and us; the vine, the vinedresser and the branches.  We are connected to the Father through Him and we have “Zoe” life flowing through us eternally. 

 

So what causes that life to be restricted as it flows to us and through us?  The obvious reasons might be the hurt that happens to us and our heart attitude towards it or the beliefs we hold about ourselves, others and life which don’t line up with truth or other types of sin that we participate in.  The thing to remember is that if that “Zoe” life is not manifesting, it is not because it is not there, it is because something restricts it.  One reason might be as simple as our lack of action, uncertainty or doubt that we have really “heard” God.

 

Often we think that abiding means to sit and wait on the Lord to tell us what our next move is.  However, if we consider the illustration that Jesus used, what would happen to the branch if it took the position of waiting on the vine to tell it what to do?  It wouldn’t grow, it would be static and it wouldn’t produce.  John 15:2 says that “every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes that it may bear more fruit.”  So we are talking about two kinds of branches, the branch that does not bear fruit and the branch that does.

 

A branch that has an unrestricted flow of life into it grows and produces but branches that have restrictions in their connection to the vine may struggle.  Sometimes a branch may have a deadened section in it yet there are leaves that may be growing from certain parts of it and small, misshapen fruit precariously hanging from the branch.  A vinedresser who truly cares for the plant will cut off that section; not because he hates the branch, but because the branch will struggle to produce lackluster fruit if he doesn’t take action.  Like scripture says, the branch cannot do anything without the vine it is connected to because the vine is the source of life.  A wounded branch struggles to maintain life just like a wounded heart struggles to maintain life.  Those restrictions to the life flow from God can take the form of beliefs that affect how we live and the fruit we produce from our lives.  As long as we maintain false beliefs as truth, it effects our ability to abide; the unrestricted flow from God to us has been compromised.

 

Several years ago the Lord and I had a conversation that had much to do with abiding.  In my Christian walk, I had always been taught that I needed to check in with the Lord and get His direction before making decisions.  So, I was sitting at my desk praying one day  and I heard Him ask me, “Kriss, have you given your life to me?”  I answered, “Yes, I did that many years ago.”  I then heard Him say, “Have you prayed and asked me to direct you, guide your life and give you wisdom?”  Again, I answered, “Yes, I have done that on several occasions.”  His next question absolutely stunned me because He said, “Then why don’t you trust me to do that”?”   I tried to protest because I really thought I trusted Him.  After all, I was coming to Him for everything….. but He began to show me I didn’t.

 

He showed me that He was absolutely big enough to get me to the places He wanted me to be, to give me the wisdom I needed to handle situations and to direct my life in its ebbs and flows, without me even being aware of it.  What my restriction looked like was not stepping out and believing He could guide me as I walked along the path of my life.  He was walking WITH me, not seated in the grandstands shouting directions from afar.  Do you see the difference?  There is a difference between waiting for instructions and actually living life, believing that God is with you, guiding you and protecting you.   I began to realize that, as an example, if He wanted to protect me from an accident on the freeway going home, all he would have to do was give me a taste for coffee and I’d be stopping at the nearest Starbucks!  That would delay me just enough to miss the danger.  This is a very simple example, but it is true.  Proverbs says that God gives us the desires of our hearts.  In that scripture, it does not mean that He gives us what we desire, it means that He puts the desires there.  Putting those desires in our hearts is the way He communicates with us.  If you have a desire to be somewhere at a certain time, in a certain place and happen to meet someone that you haven’t seen for a long time and that reconnection becomes a step to a new career move or meeting your future spouse, Who do you think is responsible for that?  Did you have to sit down and spend hours meditating on scripture or praying until you run out of words?  No, you simply responded to a desire in your heart that was put there by God and followed the open doors.  You “abided”.  You allowed the life from the vine to flow to you and through you and you didn’t even have to be aware of it.  In scripture, abiding is a VERB, not an ADJECTIVE.  Perhaps we are sitting and waiting for instructions because we want to know what is going to happen ahead of time.  We don’t trust that God can handle it…whatever “it” is. 

 

When I realized that, it took a large load from my shoulders.  I was set free to just live my life and respond to the desires in my heart… that He placed there.  This does not mean that we should abandon reading the bible or praying, but it says that we can truly trust the Lord to guide us, follow our hearts and use the wisdom He has given us to live our lives.  We don’t need to “check in” for every decision or wait and wait until the opportunity passes us by and then say that God didn’t want us to go there.  We were created to be in communion with God so the ability to do that is already in place, we just need to trust it.  The check and balance in this way of living, of course, is to evaluate the kind of fruit our lives are producing.  If our lives continue to produce bad fruit, then we need to ask the Lord to show us where the restrictions are in our relationship to the vine.

 

We see this in the life of Jesus as well.  There were times when He drew away into a private place and had a private time with His Father.  If He did that, we need to as well.  However for the most part, we saw Him actively pursuing His life, teaching the disciples, ministering to the sick and pursuing a social life with His friends.  He was able to do all this from the everlasting flow of life that came to Him because He was a branch connected to the vine.  Our Father God wants us to live our lives, pursue our heart’s desires and produce good fruit that comes out of that life flow from Him.  It’s not something you have to go get all the time….it is there, everlasting because you have accepted Jesus as your Savior.  

 

Our lives are a gift from a God who is a God of action.  He wants us to live a “Zoe” life…full, vital and growing.  It isn’t about getting it right, its about being connected!  Abiding in Him is what causes us to grow and progress so I encourage you to allow the Lord to show you where the restrictions are and let Him heal you.  No matter who you are or how old you are, you are a VITAL member of the body of Christ and I encourage you to live your life to the fullest!

Relationship with the Father

By Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP

www.livingwellcc.com

 

Why is relationship with Father God so hard?

 

Often times, people will come into my office and tell me that they feel so guilty because their relationship with their Father God feels so distant. They say, If I just had enough faith or just read the bible more I could feel the presence of the Father.  I love Jesus and He is everything to me, but I just feel so separated from the Father.

 

They believe that their Father God is a part of their spiritual life. They know He loves them and cares about them, but they just don’t seem to be able to achieve that intimate relationship with Him that they may have with Jesus.  Others ask questions like My friends say they hear God talking to them, but I don’t….what is the matter with me? or If I read scripture and sing worship songs about how wonderful and how loving God is, if I worship Him on Sunday and feel His presence, why can’t I feel that all the time?

 

Is it possible we know many things about Father God in our mind, but our heart has a different perspective?  Perhaps our heart-view of Father God isn’t based on His true nature.  The truth is:  we really are run by our heart, not our mind.  We like to think we can figure it all out with our brain and then make decisions about life accordingly.  Our decisions as an adult are often made at a heart level based on hurts in our past.  We don’t get wounded in our mind, but in our heart.  Even though it may be something we are not aware of, most of us transfer our view of our father – the man who raised us – to our Heavenly Father.  If you question that statement, ask yourself just three things about your father:

 

Was your father for you?

In other words, was your relationship focused on his needs or your needs? When your dad disciplined you, was it for your benefit with love in his heart or did you perceive an angry Father whose punishment was scary or overly harsh.  Did you ever receive the unspoken message that you weren’t good enough or couldn’t live up to Dad’s expectations?   Did he teach you about life so you could have a better life or to make sure you wouldn’t be a burden to him later?

 

Was your father safe?

Could you speak to him without fear of rejection?  Could you run to him when you were in trouble and be safe in his arms no matter what you did?  Were you free to make a mistake and not be shamed?  Lack of these things in our life will make us fearful, untrusting, and withdrawn.  We can also feel as though we can’t do anything good enough so we give up, or do the opposite, strive to perform. 

 

Did your father love you unconditionally?

Did you know in your heart that you could never do anything to cause your dad to turn from you or shame you?  Did he always show more mercy and grace than judgment?  Was your dad always there when you needed him?  Did you feel close to Dad and trust him enough to share your heart with him?   If you can’t say yes, then you are like many of us who find it hard to connect or trust or risk in a relationship.  We hold our heart closed, even with God.  Underneath our closed heart may lie a fear that if we risk running to God and He’s not there, then we’ll have no one else to turn to for help or salvation. My Dad wasn’t there and I could see him…how can I trust someone I can’t see? 

 

Now that you’ve had a chance to reflect on these concepts, how do these feelings and beliefs coincide with what you believe about Father God?

 

Father God is our ultimate authority figure.  It is not a great stretch to see that if our relationship with our dad was distant, unsafe, or shaming it becomes real easy to see God as an unsafe, uncaring, and harsh Father as well.  Although this is a false belief, our hearts tell us differently!

 

As we look at our relationship with our parents, the goal is not to blame them for their shortcomings.  Realistically, there are few parents who get up in the morning and say I’m intentionally going to mess up my kid’s life today!  However, to the child who is at the receiving end of a parent’s woundedness, the hurt may seem very intentional.  Those broken parts of our heart often prevent us from being the person we really want to be with our kids, family, friends and our Heavenly Father.  

 

As children, we don’t have the perspective to understand the motives behind the actions which hurt us, so we judge the people and the circumstances by what we do understand – he is mean, he doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t love me, he can’t take care of me so I have to do it myself.  We carry these judgments into adulthood and that becomes the grid we see others through…including our Father God.  In those wounded parts of our adult heart, we are unable to see our earthly parents from an adult perspective and we continue to see them through the eyes of the child who was so hurt by neglect or abuse.  When we see through the eyes of truth, our parents become responsible to the Lord for their sins and we are then free to be responsible for how our hearts responded to the ways they sinned against us. 

 

Because of this, our first task is to challenge the lies we have believed and let go of unmet expectations from our relationship with our earthly parents.  For us to be set free of the bondage to past hurts and wounds, we must take advantage of the gifts of forgiveness and repentance that the Lord has so mercifully given us.  When we forgive those who have hurt us and repent for how we have judged them, we can experience the true love and healing of our Father God and come to see Him in a way we have not been able to before.  The love of God never fails (1 Cor. 13:8)! 

 

We begin the process by asking the Lord to show us what beliefs we are holding in our heart towards our earthly father that aren’t true?  What core beliefs do we hold in our hearts with fear or bitterness that color the truth?  (Hebrews 12:15)  For example, the truth about a neglectful or uninvolved parent may be that they are wounded too and have decided to shield their heart from more hurt.  The problem may not be that our father didn’t love us, it may be that he didn’t have enough access to his heart to understand that he was wounding us with his actions.  When we sincerely ask the Lord to let us see our earthly father with truth and help us find a way to change our heart attitude towards him, our heavenly Father answers faithfully. (1 John 5:14-15)  We can then respond by forgiving our parents for what they did that was hurtful, as well as for what they didn’t do.  Many times it helps to grieve the loss of what we didn’t get, like acceptance, affirmation, protection, or provision.  We ask forgiveness for judging our fathers, God, and any others who we felt failed us.  When we forgive we let go of the hurt, anger, resentment we have in our heart and are set free to respond with the heart of the Father towards those who have hurt us.  Just as a note, forgiveness does not mean re-establishing relationship with an abusive parent.  It simply means we release them from any debt they owe us, emotional or physical. 

 

Second, by faith we grab hold of the truth – understanding in our hearts that our Father God is totally for us.  He sent His Son so we could be free from our sin, for salvation, and to daily live free from our past wounds and hurts.  (John 3:16)  He gave us His word as a guide to life.  (John 1:14) If we follow His principles from the Bible, we can have the best life possible.  We begin to understand how all things can work together for good and that our Heavenly Father is grieved when sin distances us.

 

He is completely safe!  You can go to God without fear of rejection or condemnation.  (Romans 8:1)  He will always listen and not turn away.  His arms are always open to receive us; we can always run to Him.  We can make mistakes and not be judged for it.

 

He loves us unconditionally.      We cannot do anything to cause Him to turn on us or shame us.  He always has more mercy and grace than we can ever need.  He is always there regardless of where we are or what we have done.  We know these truths in our minds, and now we can move them to our hearts.

 

Third, we step out and invite God in.   We can say God, I allow you to love me and to be a part of my life.  More than anything, our God wants to have relationship with us, to love us, to daily be a part of our lives.  (John 14:17) Scripture says there will come a day when we can worship Him in Spirit and in Truth – the truth of who He really is, aside from the ways we have learned to see him through our woundedness.  (John 4:23-24) Once we receive this truth in the heart, it can bring us to our knees in awe and love for a caring, saving and loving Father.

 

It is good to process through these long held beliefs with a trusted friend, counselor or pastor.  It is hard to heal ourselves, which is why scripture says in James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.”  (NAS)

 

Submitted by Kriss Mitchell – mailto:livingwell@gmail.com

Belief Is Not a Secret

                              By Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP

www.livingwellcc.com

 

We seem to be hearing a lot about the subject of belief lately.  Much of it centers around the idea that if we believe for things or resources they will come to us.  Although this idea has been around for a very long time in one form or another, the difference these days is that along with the age old idea of “positive thinking”, there is an element of quantum physics that is being thrown in the mix which is offering a little more credence to the subject.  The enemy often mixes the truth with error or he counterfeits something in the Kingdom of God.  When it comes to belief, more often than not, these kinds of ideas are married with a spiritualistic agenda that to most Christians is distasteful.  However, as truth and error are combined in the area of belief, we don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.  Belief is foundational to the Christian walk.  Scripture teaches us to   “believe unto salvation”, if we “believe we will receive”.  So what is it that is true and what is the error that we need to throw away?  Let’s look at scripture to find out.

 

Mark 9:23 – And Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”  (NKJ)  In this portion of scripture, Jesus is responding to the young boy with the deaf and dumb spirit.

 

“The word “possible” is the Greek word dunata….It expresses the idea of ability; power; one who is able and capable; or one who is competent.  This scripture emphatically tells us that there is a power that causes one to become able, capable, or competent for any task.  When this power comes on the scene and begins to operate in an individual’s life, it doesn’t matter how unfit or unqualified he was before; this power energizes him and makes him capable for the task.

 

But who is this person who can accomplish impossible feats?  Jesus said that all things are possible to him “that believeth.”  The word “believeth” is the Greek word pisteuonti, from the word pistis, the Greek word for faith.  However, when pistis becomes pisteuonti, as in this verse, it pictures a person who is believing.  This is not someone who once had an experience of faith in the past; rather, this is a person who is presently believing right now.  His faith is actively reaching forward right now to grab hold of what God has promised.”  (Taken from Sparkling Gems from the Greek by Rick Renner) 

 

Matthew 21:22 – “And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.”  This is the same word pisteuo which has been translated “believing”.

 

Mark 5:35-43 – “While He was still speaking, they came from the house of the synagogue official, saying, ‘Your daughter has died; why trouble the Teacher anymore?’  But Jesus, overhearing what was being spoken, said to the synagogue official, ‘Do not be afraid any longer, only believe.’  And He allowed no one to accompany Him, except Peter and James and John the brother of James.  They came to the house of the synagogue official; and He saw a commotion, and people loudly weeping and wailing.  And entering in, He said to them, ‘Why make a commotion and weep?  The child has not died, but is asleep.’”

 

Notice that Jesus instructed the official to believe.  He didn’t tell him to pray or to worship, Jesus simply wanted his heartfelt belief.

 

Mark 11:23 – “Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him.”

 

Again, believes is the same word pisteuo and the word heart is kardia which is where we get the word “cardiac” referencing our heart.  The Scripture not only makes reference to the heart as a physical organ, but as the center of spiritual life.

 

Belief is the marriage of thought and emotion; the powerful place of agreement between the brain and the heart.  For example, when we simply think about something, there usually is not a feeling of power connected with it.  We see a spider on the wall and think that it may be a good idea to do something to get it out of the house. We either act on it or we don’t.   On the other hand, someone else could see that spider and have a panic attack because as a child they woke up one night with a large spider in their bed and that experience married the spider with the emotion of fear which has produced a belief that spiders are bad and they must get away from them.  When the emotion of fear was married with the thought of the spider, there became a much more powerful reaction.  This person has created a belief about spiders that is so strong that the physical body reacts violently to it.  The brain and the heart have come together in a place of agreement about the spider and a powerful belief has been created.

 

Heart studies from many of the University hospitals around the nation have found that the heart and the brain produce electro-magnetic fields around the body.  They produce measurable frequencies and vibrations which affect the world around them.  According to the HeartMath Institute, the electromagnetic field of the heart is “five thousand times greater in strength than the field produced by the brain.”  This field is measurable for 8-10 feet, but is thought to extend up to a mile in circumference. (The HeartMath Solution, page 33) This makes sense as we look at our example above.  Thought, produced by the brain, is much less powerful than the belief produced by the heart.  When the two are brought together however, the corresponding belief has much more power than the thought alone.

 

According to HeartMath, “An electromagnetic field is just that: magnetic…. The emotional resonance you send out from your heart rhythms is like a magnet, attracting people, situations, and opportunities.  When you’re in a state of appreciation, your energy is more buoyant and spirited.  You feel better mentally, emotionally, and physically.” 

 

Scripture preceded science in Matthew 7:1-2 where it says, “Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”  God so arranges our life that we tend to attract what our heart believes is true.

 

HeartMath Institute has also shown in their studies that in developing an attitude of thankfulness, appreciation and gratitude our nervous systems come into balance.  That means that our hearts beat in a coherent rhythm and the two main branches of our autonomic nervous system are synchronized.  It is common throughout God’s creation that anything in balance and synchronized is more efficient and more effective. 

 

Scripture gives us at least 108 verses that mention thanks and specifically gives us things to be thankful for.  Psalms has many scriptures that say things like, give thanks to the Lord, His lovingkindness extends forever or I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart! The Lord is showing us things we can be thankful for if we can’t come up with them on our own.

 

God is a God Who absolutely wants to bless us and within our physical bodies, He created the means by which we receive those blessings.  In His word, He speaks to us about how to be in position to receive everything that He has for us:

 

Philippians 4:6-8 -   “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses every understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts by Christ Jesus.  Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”
 

“logizomai” is the Greek word translated dwell in this verse.  This word deals with reality.  If I “logizomai” or reckon that my garden does not have weeds in it, when the reality is, my garden has weeds in it this is not logizomai, it is pretending or deceiving myself.  This word refers to facts not suppositions.

Other places in the bible, this same word is translated thinks, reason, and suppose amongst others.  We think about facts.  This scripture is telling us what to do with our brains.  We need to regard what is positive, dwell on the good things in life rather than what has gone wrong.  This does not mean that we live in denial or become unresponsive to what is real.  We grow into the maturity and likeness of Jesus, who as He faced the cross, focused on the joy set before Him.   What we think about and what we attach emotion to, we will believe.  Those beliefs affect the electromagnetic resonance around us. 

 

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 

The word believes is again the Greek word pisteuo, however interestingly enough the words translated “take into account”, is the Greek word logizomai.  We are not to meditate on and rehearse the wrongs we have suffered because those negative beliefs will be put into our heart resonance as well as have a negative impact on our physical body.   This does not mean that we simply ignore abuse or deny when we hurt.  Truth means we acknowledge what has happened, but we don’t have to dwell on it.  We can use the experience as a teachable moment, we can choose to see it as an opportunity to explore our abilities to forgive and we can receive wisdom about the experience to apply to future experiences.  Simply put, we glean what we can that is positive and move on. 

 

Love is a strong emotion of the heart so accordingly, if we start with the truth and bring love into the equation, we will create a belief based on the marriage of truth and emotion, bringing more and more of God’s blessing into our lives. 

 

Because negative thought, stress, anger and hatred are so destructive to our physical bodies, as well as our life in the present and our future, it is important for us to understand what the Lord is saying about belief.   In our human experience, we will be hurt and we will experience those emotions that the Lord uses to highlight places in our lives that need healing.  However, it is what we do with those emotions that impacts us long term.  The Lord wants us to take those thoughts captive, not dwell on them, apply forgiveness and repentance where it is necessary and then move on with our lives taking the wisdom of the experience with us.  Belief is not a secret, it is an attitude of the heart; not used as a tool to get things, but to be a testimony to the goodness of God in our lives.  

Emotional Abuse

Emotional Abuse

By Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP

www.livingwellcc.com

 

Anyone tackling the subject of emotional abuse has their job cut out for them.  It is a subject that has as many facets as a 50 carat diamond and its victims range from children to adults.  It is also one of the most difficult forms of abuse to identify and can be one of the hardest to escape from; it can feel like emotional blackmail or is so shocking it paralyzes the will. 

 

If a person encounters physical abuse, the signs are usually much easier to see.  However emotional abuse is a punch to the inner man, and often takes time to manifest in signs of insecurity, uncertainty, heartache, low self esteem and withdrawal.  It is a slow, wearing down of healthy boundaries, emotional resources, trust in personal perceptions and self concept. Abuse originates within the motive of the abuser which is often very hard to prove or detect, so victims resort to blaming themselves, judging themselves as weak or unable to cope.  This type of wounding is deep and takes far longer to heal.

 

A simple definition of a common type of emotional abuse is:  “Emotionally wounding another person and then demeaning them for feeling that pain.”  With children this can look like a parent calling their child ‘stupid’, or cursing at them and then calling them a baby when they cry.  Other examples can be consistently invalidating the child’s feelings by telling them they have no reason to, or shouldn’t feel the way they feel, i.e. the child has lost a meaningful possession and the parent says, “it’s just a toy, you’re just being too sensitive.”

 

In adults, this kind of invalidation can take the form of insults which come in the guise of “teasing”.  When the recipient of this kind of teasing is wounded by it, the most common retort might be, “I was just teasing…can’t you take a joke?”  In this situation, the perpetrator has disguised a hurtful remark with humor and it may look very innocent to outsiders.  If the victim is able to say they have been hurt, their feelings should be acknowledged.   Remarking that the person can’t take a joke relieves the perpetrator of responsibility for their actions and transfers responsibility to the wounded one, questioning their emotional strength, mental health and personal discernment as to what has transpired. The more healthy response would be to apologize and ask for forgiveness. 

 

Another form, which can be far more insidious, is when the perpetrator insults, threatens or demeans the victim and then denies their actions.  In this form of abuse, the strategy can be direct or implied and is most effective when there is dependency in the relationship, either real or perceived.  One common misconception about these forms of abuse is they take the form of yelling, criticizing or other stereotypical perceptions of negative communication between people.  However, other forms of emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and far less overt. They can include patterns of being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgmental, lying, repeatedly “forgetting” promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, “setting you up”, unreasonable expectations and “revising” history.  As described before, this form of behavior is often paired with a denial of the behavior which can sound like, “Why are you reacting like that, I was just trying to be honest?” or “I thought you were mature enough to hear what I had to say” or even “you just don’t have the experience to understand what I’m trying to tell you.”

 

As I have counseled victims of abuse and done research on the subject, I came across a victim’s testimonial which summed up the experience of emotional abuse quite well in the following statement:  “One of the most difficult things about identifying someone who is a psychological and emotional abuser is that the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain, so they try to control others, and drive them to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause their victim to lose control, it proves how healthy THEY are, so they can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it’s amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), “There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I’m not the one who needs therapy, *you* are.” Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, all they see is an outburst from the victim, NOT the abuse that triggered it. It may make the victim feel as if they have had all their lifelines withdrawn, as if they are going crazy, because nobody believes that this charming, “nice”, helpful, successful person could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful.”

 

Although all emotional abusers do not have libraries filled with psychology books or are well read, the common denominator with emotional abusers is the ability to twist and manipulate language.  If the abuser can convince the victim that their response to the abuse is somehow a personal weakness or deficiency, the abuser retains control.  This usually works best with children or victims who have not been able to develop a solid identity.  Adults whose personal value is dependent on external evaluators, such as how well they performed a project, other’s opinions or even their own comparisons to an unattainable standard of perfection can be most susceptible to emotional abuse.  Some of the worst scenarios take place with elderly, dependent adults who often have little control over their circumstances because of age or health issues.  It should be noted here that emotional abuse differs from hurting others by mistake when it becomes a pattern.

 

The reasons for inability to remove oneself from emotional abuse can be unique to each victim; however it usually has to do with the two things; 1) the victim’s need for love and acceptance and 2) the victim’s susceptibility to addictive processes.  The need for love is basic to the human condition and it has been proven that we are unable to live without it.  When basic human needs such as love are given and taken away, over time it becomes torturous to the victim, breaking down their defenses and strength of will.  Ask any prisoner of war.  However, that pattern of giving and taking plays on one of the strongest addictive patterns known; incremental gain at variable times.  This can be seen best in the addiction to gambling.  Slot machines, lotteries, card games etc., pay off in amounts that are sometimes large and sometimes small, being paired with the pay off coming at different times.  Using slot machines as an example, a person may get many quarters on their first payoff, and then 30 seconds later a few more quarters drop down.  90 seconds later a few more quarters drop but after a few more minutes there is a much larger payoff.  This pattern will keep the person sitting there for a long time with the thought that the next big payoff is just around the corner.

 

Emotional abuse is very similar.  Love is the payoff and in the beginning stages of the relationship, whether its marriage or friendship, the amount of love and/or acceptance and approval comes in large quantities.  When the abuse starts to happen, it may be a large dose and then there are two or three weeks or more of relatively good relationship before the next event happens.  Perhaps after that one large dose of abuse, all it takes is a few smaller insults, or devaluing episodes for the abuser to regain control.  Then a larger episode happens again.  In this type of scenario, the victim is living for the payoff of love and often, the payoff comes in smaller and smaller increments over the lifetime of the relationship.  By that time, the victim has become worn down, has fewer personal resources to counter the abuse and finds themselves caught in the never ending cycle, believing the next big payoff is just at hand and then everything will be alright, like it was in the beginning.

 

Emotional abuse almost always boils down to a lack of honor and respect for others; where one person perceives that another’s autonomy will encroach on their well being.  As Christians, our goal is to be constantly transformed into the image of Jesus.  Jesus gave honor and respect to those he related to regardless of age, so therefore it is our goal to submit to whatever healing we need in order to become more like Him.   Each time someone is emotionally victimized, the perpetrator has made a choice to continue in their unhealed state rather than pursuing the lie in their heart that generates their desire to control others.  In Gethsemane, Jesus personally identified with the hurts and wounds of mankind.  To the degree perpetrators cannot identify with the pain of their victims is the degree that wounding in their lives has eroded their ability to be connected to their own heart and emotions.  This is a place of healing that must be addressed in the lives of abusers.

 

Working with victims is a journey to find those core beliefs that have limited the person’s ability to believe they are worthy, valuable and deserving of respect.  It is a journey to re-establish their God given identity.  A victim is severely limited in their ability to deal with the abuse in their lives while laboring without these vital ingredients.  Confronting the addictive pattern directly often causes severe distress since the victim has so few resources to successfully negotiate that path.   As counselors and friends, we can bring truth, pray for healing of the wounds of worthlessness and ask the Lord to build a capacity within the heart to say no to the abuse, either by words or deeds.  Once a victim understands how much the Lord loves them and is strengthened in their identity as a unique and valuable human being they will seldom stay in an abusive relationship. 

Faith

                  

Experiential Faith

By Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP

www.livingwellcc.com

 

 

Hebrews 11:1 is a very familiar scripture to anyone who has studied about faith. 

 

Hebrews 11:1 (amplified)  Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].

 

We have heard it quoted many times, showing us that we need faith in order to receive from God.  But the truth is, if that is all this scripture means, then faith could be construed as manipulating God to get what we want.  Anything we believe for, so long as someone in the bible believed along the same lines, we can have.  Well….God is no respecter of persons that is true, however, once we come to understand the larger picture, we see that there is a little more to it than that.

 

If we look at Heb 11:1 it is saying that faith (according to Webster’s Dictionary) is an assurance of a belief that one’s desires may be attained, combined with confidence and an expectation of attainment. Assurance, as defined by Webster, is a pledge furnishing ground of full confidence.   

 

In this particular verse, the word assurance in the Greek is “Hupostasis” , a noun that conveys the idea of a state of being; the strength of a foundation; steadfastness and confidence.  In other translations, faith is the “substance” of things hoped for and substance means “that of which a thing consists or is made up, that which is real”.  So in other words, faith is made up of something real, something we know to be true thrown forward into the future as being the proof of something that hasn’t happened yet (hope).  When reading this verse, we may overlook the word hope, but hope is a significant component to faith.  It is very difficult to have faith without hope because hope is what you tie your faith to; it’s what gets the experience out of the past into the future.  Many people I have talked to beat themselves up because they believe they don’t have enough faith when in reality, in order to have faith, we must have hope.  When our hope is eroded away, our faith becomes hollow and lacks living quality.  If faith is all we are considering in this equation, we can judge ourselves very harshly when our faith seems weak. 

 

Proverbs 13:12 (NKJ)  Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

 

The preceding proverb describes the condition that we find ourselves in without hope; we become depressed, our heart is sick and we are unable to sustain our faith.  However….when the desire comes, it is a tree of life!  What happens when we experience answered prayer, or see the hand of God at work in our lives?   Life comes flooding back in, hope returns and our outlook improves!  Faith becomes much stronger!

 

Hope – (Webster’s Dictionary) – The belief that one’s desires may be attained; trust; someone or something in which confidence is placed; the thing hoped for or desired; to have hope with the expectation of attainment.

 

 

In Ephesians 3:17-19, Paul prays for the Ephesians that they would come to know the attributes of God’s love in personal experience.   He wants them to be strengthened with power by the Spirit, to know the love of Christ.  That personal experience creates the faith, which allows Christ to then dwell in their hearts.  It is by this kind of experience I can share with those I counsel who I know the Lord to be; His character and His nature.  When someone expresses to me that the Lord has abandoned them I can say with complete assurance that abandonment is not in His nature.  It is NOT something He is capable of doing. 

 

Paul expressed to the Ephesians the same process that we must go through in developing our own faith.  Let’s look at an example of what this is like in scripture.

 

One of the best examples of taking past experience known to be true about God and throwing it into a place of hope, is the story of David and Goliath.  David came to Saul and told him he wanted to go out and fight Goliath.  Saul responded by doubting David’s abilities because he was so young.  In turn, David told Saul of the times when he was tending his sheep, having been attacked by wild animals and had overcome them.  In I Samuel 17:37 he describes faith perfectly.  “David said, The Lord Who delivered me out of the paw of the lion and out of the paw of the bear, He will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine……”  What he was saying was, the Lord saved me before, it is His nature to defend me and He will do it again.  David made a decision, based on his personal past experience with the Lord, to believe for something that was about to happen.

 

Because we are all different, the Lord gives us different ways to acquire faith, experiential faith is only one way.  Experiential faith works well for those of us who are hands on learners.  Those who are audio learners can learn by hearing about the experiences others have had with the Lord and believe that way, applying what they hear and building on their own experiences with the Lord.  (Faith comes by hearing……) Even before we know Him, He can give us a measure of faith, the Gift of Faith, so that we can believe in Him. Then He builds on that faith by showing us Who He is.  He gives us experiences to go through where He builds our trust and our faith in Him, a little at a time, so that when the hard circumstances come, there is enough faith built in us to see us through.  We reach a point where, as II Cor 5:7 says, we walk by faith and not by sight.  We can walk through a set of circumstances, knowing that whatever we are facing, it cannot withstand the character of God and that in the end, He will cause us to have victory.  Our hope is set in the unchangeable nature of our Lord. 

 

One important point to remember about faith is that we are not telling God what to do by having faith.  We believe in His unchanging character and faithfulness to bring us through to the other side of the circumstances, but we do not tell Him how to do it or what has to happen.  Faith has a component of trust within it.  We trust the Lord that He knows what is best for us.  As we walk through the circumstance, we trust Him to know just exactly how to orchestrate everything so we are walking in victory at the end, even if what we see doesn’t make sense to us.  Our obligation is to walk through whatever we are facing in truth.  It is not up to us to manipulate people, opinions, or circumstances so they will come out in our favor.  God can only honor the truth, so if we are honest on the path, believe that what God has done for us before He will do again, we can just go along for the ride. 

 

Individuals develop faith in different areas because we all have different experiences with the Lord.  As a counselor, I have great amounts of faith that when I ask the Lord to come heal one of my client’s wounds, He will do it and there will be good fruit coming from that.  My faith has become strong in that area because I have experienced His faithfulness again and again.  Those faithful men and women who work in the Healing Rooms Ministry have superior faith to heal the sick.  The word says in James 5:14-15 that if there is anyone sick, others should be called in to pray and their prayers of faith will heal the sick person.  Other people have well developed faith in the area of finances.  If your faith hasn’t been developed enough in an area, check to see if your hope has been eroded there.  Join together with someone whose faith has been strengthened.  Let them encourage you, let them pray for you, and let them build up your hope. 

 

As a last point, it is important to note that when a person finds no results coming from their faith, it may be time to ask the Lord what is blocking them from receiving.  Is there a trust issue that needs healing, or a wrong belief or a decision that has been made which blocks the ability to believe?  Does what we believe for come from a wrong motive of the heart?  James 4:3  says “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.”  Have we interpreted God’s word inaccurately or have we lost hope and now believe in what those painful experiences are saying to us?  James says “And the prayer that is of faith WILL save him who is sick….(amp).”  James didn’t say perhaps or maybe or only at certain times, he said will.   If your faith is not producing good fruit, there is a reason beyond “it simply isn’t working.”  The Lord wants you to find out what that reason is so you can know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

Grief

When We Experience Prolonged or Excessive Grief

by Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP

www.livingwellcc.com

For those of us in the counseling field, the facets of grief we see in our clients can take on many different faces.  The loss of a pet, a spouse, a job or a dream leaves an empty space in a person’s life that needs to be mourned as part of a closure process.  The more we have invested; the more our hearts are connected to whatever it is that we have lost – can be a gauge which helps to explain how much grief we feel when that relationship is broken. 

For some people, investing all in a dream for their future can be exquisitely painful when that dream is not realized.  A person injured on the job or in an accident which results in a disability can bring grief as that person loses the dreams and plans for their life, or relationships with family members and spouses change. It should be mentioned that losing a dream for one person may be as painful as losing a spouse or a parent can be for another person.  People often ask, how do I know if my grief process is excessive?  Sometimes it is as simple as looking at the intensity and longevity of the emotion.   After an appropriate amount of time, the intensity of emotion should fade; the emotional charge on the memories resolve and the memories simply become part of our past.  For example, a man may be able to come to terms in an appropriate amount of time with a disability resulting in the loss of a job he loves, but if that same man runs over his five-year-old daughter in his driveway and she dies as a result, that loss may stay with him causing prolonged, intense emotional distress.

Most people are able to spend an appropriate amount of time in the grief process, adjust to the loss and move on with their lives.  For those who are unable to do this, it may be necessary to look deeper to see what might be contributing to their prolonged grief.  Is there a past emotional component that has been triggered by the current loss?  Are they experiencing the grief for their current loss, or for a loss that happened in the past that is held in limbo by a decision not to feel?  Often prolonged grief can be present when the present loss is similar to a situation in our past for which we have not been unable to forgive ourselves. 

In Dr. Candace Pert’s book, “Molecules of Emotion”, her studies have shown that thoughts and emotions are the result of neuropeptides released from the hypothalamus.  When we allow ourselves to experience emotion, these neuropeptides are allowed to flow freely throughout our body.  As a result, we move to resolution and are able to return to a state of joy in our lives.  However,  “when emotions are repressed, denied, not allowed to be whatever they may be, our network pathways get blocked, stopping the flow of the vital feel-good, unifying chemicals that run both our biology and our behavior.”  (Pert, 1999, 34)  To put it simply, buried emotions never die.  Our physical bodies and our emotional life are interconnected; if we choose to deny our feelings, it will eventually show up somewhere else.

A scriptural example appears in Ps 73:21  “When my heart was embittered And I was pierced within”.   In the Hebrew, “within” is the word “ Kilyah” which means kidneys.  This scripture says that when we carry bitterness in our hearts, our kidneys are also affected.  This is such a good example showing that our emotional life directly effects our physical health.  Scripture shows us a continuous flow of emotion in Psalm 30:5 when it says, “For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy {comes} in the morning.”  (NAS)  In this verse, we can see that David is describing a progression of emotion, going through anger, moving to sadness and eventually returning to joy.  This is a normal progression with grief.  Part of the process is to be angry at the situation we find ourselves in.  If we don’t process through the anger, we don’t move through the different stages of emotion and get to resolution.

Many people grew up being told by their parents that “big boys don’t cry”, or “you’re just too emotional”, or “go to your room until you can stop crying”.  These kinds of events in the life of a child can result in inner determinations of the heart not to express emotion.  Therefore, as loss is experienced growing up, a person may repress the grief and choose to just move on.  Overwhelming emotion to a child can be traumatic and the defensive systems of the body will shut it down. When that happens, emotion is not dealt with – it is only put on hold until a time when the person has the capacity to handle the emotion.  If the person continues this pattern as they experience losses in their life, the grief will build and each successive event can serve as a trigger to these past emotional events.  They may experience excessive and prolonged periods of grief or physical symptoms of pain in their bodies. 

Dr. Scott Walker, DC conducted a survey of chiropractors in the United States, Canada, New Zealand and Australia and found that “a substantial number (80-90%) of the chiropractors surveyed believe that emotional factors influence pain syndromes”.  (Walker et al., 1)   

To use the above example of the man losing his daughter, it may be helpful to explore other losses in his life and see how he handled his grief in those situations.  Perhaps he was taught to “just get over it” when he experienced loss.  He may also express that he determined it was better “not to feel” emotions because emotions weren’t acceptable in his home.  If this man is able to enlist the help of the Lord in prayer, asking Him to reveal the beliefs in the heart which have kept him from experiencing grief in the past, it may be possible to resolve the present day feelings of grief.  When doing this, early events may be found such as being responsible for a pet that may have died or other emotions connected to this event such as guilt or condemnation.  

If you find yourself experiencing inappropriate grief, you may find that addressing the past events may help you move through present day emotion.  If the Lord shows you a past event and you can’t remember the event well, it may help to discover what people involved in the event may have experienced.  The important thing is to find out what your heart believed was true at the time.  That will show you what may be keeping you attached to the grief.  At that point you can ask the Lord to bring truth to your heart which can result in letting go of the inaccurate belief, repentance for believing a lie and receiving the comfort you need to heal. 

 

Hearts

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

by Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP

www.livingwellcc.com

 

It is important to know that above all, the Lord is concerned about our hearts.  In the Bible, the word heart is mentioned 700 times, let alone other versions of the word, such as hearts, hearted, brokenhearted, tenderhearted, etc.  Knowing that when God mentions something once, it is important, but mentioning something well over 700 times implies that it is of serious concern to God.

 

Why is the heart so important?  According to Proverbs 4:23, out of the heart flow the issues of life.  If you look up the words heart and issues in your Strongs concordance you will find that the word for issues, “towtsa’ah”, is derived from another Hebrew word which is its primary root, “sharats.  This word means to swarm or abound; breed (bring forth, increase) abundantly or (in abundance).  In this verse, God warns us to “Keep your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the issues of life.”  Likewise, the word heart is “leb”, which means feelings, will or intellect, but also is used to describe the center of something.  So Proverbs 4:23 could be read this way, “Keep the core of your being with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of the very center of who you are, is created the life you lead, in abundance.”  Our heart is the creative force that God gives us which forms and shapes our lives.  It creates that which surrounds us, good or bad.  Matthew 12:33-35 shows us that what we speak out of our mouths comes directly from the heart, that we store up treasure there and it is either good or evil, so our hearts can either create a good life or an evil life for us.

 

Jeremiah 17:9-10 shows us that as human beings, we are not aware of what is in our hearts.  “The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly perverse and corrupt and severely, mortally sick!  Who can know it [perceive, understand, be acquainted with his own heart and mind]?  I, the Lord, search the mind, I try the heart, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings.”  Because we are born into sin, we can’t understand the depth of the condition that we are in.  We perceive life as normal the way it is, everything is as it should be.  But the Lord knows that left to ourselves, we will create out of who we are, lives that will absolutely violate the spiritual laws He has put in place.  As a result of violating these laws again and again, we will become so entangled in the consequences of breaking these laws, that our hearts become severely handicapped, producing warped versions of the life that God intended for us to have.  In Psalm 51, David so vividly realized the condition of his heart and what it has produced for him that he cried out to God to create within him a clean heart.  Jesus is the only one who can save us, who can make the condition of our inner selves clean again.  By the power of His shed blood, He forgives our sinful condition and by the power of the cross, as we bring each habit and pattern of thinking to God in repentance, He will cut it off at the roots bringing it to death.  It is then up to us to be disciplined in that death, not to give those old habits power again, bringing them to life.  Every wounding of the heart which is not healed creates a structure which enables us to keep on functioning in spite of the wound.  These structures take away from our own original and unique design.   They are defenses we create and add to what God created us to be.  To bring us back to our original design, we must allow the Lord entrance to our hearts so that He can accomplish healing through forgiveness and repentance.  We cannot do that for ourselves. 

 

God is always concerned with the heart because it is the source of our problems.  It would be a waste of His time to deal with our behavior as that is just a symptom of the sickness of the heart.  Once the heart is healed, the behavior will usually resolve itself.  However, we like to concentrate more on our behavior, neglecting to realize that the very behavior we are trying to change is a result of wounding in the heart.  We use will power, denial, the pursuit of excellence, busyness, alcohol or other coping mechanisms to overcome or protect ourselves from the pain in our hearts.

 

As we read the Word of God, we must keep in mind that most of the time He is trying to reach us on a heart level.  God could care less about our service to Him.  What He is mainly concerned with is our relationship with Him.  Hosea 6:6  “For I desire and delight in dutiful, steadfast love and goodness, not sacrifice, and the knowledge of and acquaintance with God more than burnt offerings.”  He tells us that He desires obedience more than sacrifice.  Obedience to what?  To the great commandment which instructs us to love the Lord our God with all our heart and soul and strength.  If our hearts are permitted to remain in their wounded condition, in not too long a period of time, our relationship with God will become very distant.

 

One of the four basic spiritual laws is that of honoring our parents.  The commandment states that we are to honor them so it will go well with us.  Conversely, in every area that we do not honor our parents, it will not go well with us.  In Proverbs 6:20-23, it says “My son, keep your father’s [God-given] commandment, and forsake not the law of [God] your mother [taught you].  Bind them continually upon your heart, and tie them about your neck.  When you go, [the Word of your parents’ God] it shall lead you; when you sleep, it shall keep you, and when you waken, it shall talk with you.  For the commandment is a lamp, and the whole teaching of the law is light, and reproofs of discipline are the way of life.” (AMP)   In Psalms, the Word is described as a lamp and a light, showing us the paths we are to walk in.  But if we dishonor our parents the lamp will be put out in complete darkness (Prov 20:20)  A person has a hard time finding their way in the dark.  When the Word of God is not illuminated to our understanding, we are not able to know what God is saying to us.  We can read the word, but are unsure of what it is saying.  Our hearts draw back from God, blessings are then turned away and good harvests are kept from us. (Jer. 5:23-25)

 

It is then that a person can fall into idolatry.  An idol is something we construct believing that God is in it.  We begin to read the Word of God as an instruction book of do’s and don’ts, instructions for service and proceed to follow the instructions believing God is in them, hoping to find Him and draw closer to Him.  The responsibility then begins to fall on us to perfect our behavior and we strive to be better Christians, perfect parents and gain our value and worth from how well we perform.   We strive and strive to become more perfect, struggling under a belief that says if we just become better people, God will love us more.  Once we fall into this trap, life becomes about behaving correctly so God and others will approve of us.

 

Our society tells us that perfection is the currency of value and worth.  We must be thin, we must be successful, and by no means can we get old.  Our elderly population is a treasure that has been thrown aside for the myth of youth and beauty.

 

Are we going in the wrong direction?  Perhaps, but what if life is not about excellence or success or exterior acceptance?  What if all this life is about is getting healed so that we can be closer to our Lord?  If that is the case, then life becomes less about us and more about God, which is a more true perspective.  We can welcome struggles and trials into our life because they expose what is in our heart.  To quote a very famous counselor, “We cannot change what we do not acknowledge.”  

 

James said to count it all joy when we face various struggles and trials because the testing of our faith produces patience (James 1:2-3) Patience is a characteristic of love and love is a virtue of the heart. 

 

How is healing accomplished?  When we allow the Lord access to our hearts, we can then see the root causes which shape and distort the issues of life that flow from the heart.  They come in the form of judgments we have made and lies that we have believed about ourselves, others and life in general.  These judgments are like colored spectacles that we see life through.    If we believe life is not safe, we will strive to protect ourselves from it.  If people can’t be trusted, we find ourselves alone in the world.  If we were not appropriately loved and nurtured by our parents, we find it hard to bond with those we love or even understand God’s love for us.  We must allow the Lord to expose those places of pain.  We then forgive those who have hurt us, repent for the lies we have believed and our hearts will be healed.  Is it easy for us to do that?  Often it is not, but the results are worth the pain.  A healed heart has no need for coping mechanisms and it produces good fruit in our lives.  Out of its treasure, our mouths speak good things and the issues of life create true abundance.